im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
