I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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