Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
