Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
