Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
