I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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