I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
