I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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