I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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