Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
