He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
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facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
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Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize