Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
