I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
