Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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