Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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