I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize