cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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