my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
