then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
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I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
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I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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