i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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