guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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