Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
