I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
i've created a new STD.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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