Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize