Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
