Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
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