just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
