my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
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Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
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You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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