I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
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They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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