just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
