Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
