You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
