My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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