Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
