Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
