I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
