Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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