he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
