i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
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