I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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