the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
