Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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