I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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