You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
