Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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