I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
did you just send me my own nude
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
