3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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