Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
