my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
