dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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