I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
