Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
