Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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