An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
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she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
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You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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