Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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