Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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