Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
