I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
