Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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